"Для тех кто шьет" - любимый журнал прокуроров.

This is a story about four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn' t do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.
[Britney Spears]

Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.
[An Australian cabinet minister]

Диалог между програмистом и его женой после работы
Муж пришел домой: Good evening dear, I`m now logged in.
Жена: Ты купил хлеба?
Муж: Bad command or filename.
Жена: Но я тебя попросила еще утром.
Муж: Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Жена: Как насчет нового телевизора?
Муж: Variable not found…
Жена: По крайней мере, дай мне свою кредитку, я хочу сходить в магазин.
Муж: Sharing Violation. Access denied…
Жена: Ты меня любишь или любишь только компьютеры или ты просто издеваешься надо мной?
Муж: Too many parameters…
Жена: Зря я вышла за тебя замуж.
Муж: Data type mismatch.
Жена: Ты вообще бестолковый…
Муж: It`s by Default.
Жена: Как насчет твоей зарплаты?
Муж: File in use… Try after some time.
Жена: Какое у меня положение в нашей семье?
Муж: Unknown Virus

Husband: Put your coat on, love, I'm going to the bar.
Wife: Are you taking me out for a drink?
Husband: Don't be silly woman, I'm turning the heat off...

An elderly husband and wife noticed they were beginning to forget little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous so they decided to go see a doctor to get some help. Their doctor told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. This seemed like an excellent idea. When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? Why don't you write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!" "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget." "Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!" "OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife. "No problem, ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream." With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans and making lots of noise. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Where's the toast?"

Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?
Patient: Shhh, doctor! My dog's outside in the waiting room!

A bus station is where a bus stops, a train station is where a train stops, and on my desk I have a work station...

There was once a young man who, in his youth professed a desire to become a "great" writer. When asked to define "great", he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?
Doctor: Sell!

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said: "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying 'Congratulations on your new location'."


A guy was in court charged with parking in a restricted area. The
judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense. "They
shouldn't put up such misleading notices," said the guy. "The sign
said 'FINE TO PARK HERE.'"

Bumper sticker: There are two types of pedestrians... the quick
and the dead.

Gun Shop Owner: Hi, How can I help you?
Client: I'm lookin' for a gun.
Owner: What kind of gun are you lookin' for?
Client (pointing at the biggest handgun in the case): That one
looks about right.
Owner (very surprised): Why do you need a .44 magnum?
Client: It's for shootin' at cans.
Owner (pointing at a small handgun): Well, this is the perfect
size for shooting at cans.
Client (pointing again at the .44): Nah, I need this one.
Owner: OK, what kind of cans are you shooting at?
Client: Mexi-cans.......Puerto Ri-cans........Afri-cans...

Bumper sticker: I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing

It's October, and an Indian chief thinks it's going to be a cold
winter. So he instructs his tribe to collect firewood. To
double-check his prediction, the chief calls the National Weather
Service and asks a meteorologist if the winter is going to be a
cold one. The man responds, "According to our indicators, we
think it might." So the chief tells his people to find extra wood,
just in case. A week later he calls the National Weather Service
again, and they confirm that a harsh winter is headed their way.
The chief orders all of his people to scavenge every scrap of wood
they can. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service
again and asks, "Are you absolutely sure this winter is going to
be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replies. "The Indians are
collecting wood like crazy."