Две блондинки разговаривают.
Одна:
- Вчера новым гну си плас плас компайлером пересобрала ядро линукс два точка девять...
Другая:
- Шухер! Мужик идет! Говорим о телесериалах!

Борьба за мир - это как секс за девственность

ОБЪЯВЛЕНИЕ: "Таксисту, нашедшему в своей машине документы с грифом "СОВЕРШЕННО СЕКРЕТНО", предлагается застрелиться самому..."

Job In America

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (made in Japan) for 6 a.m. While his coffeepot (made in China) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong). He put on a dress shirt (made in Sri Lanka), designer jeans (made in Singapore) and tennis shoes (made in Korea). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in
India) he sat down with his calculator (made in Mexico) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (made in Taiwan) to the radio (made in India) he got in his car (made in Germany) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (made in Brazil), poured himself a glass of wine (made in France) and turned on his TV (made in Indonesia), and then wondered why he couldn't find a good paying job in AMERICA.

Только когда жена начала ездить рядом со мной, я понял истинное значение термина "помеха справа"

В связи с борьбой за клиента компания "Мегафон" установила 15 тысяч вышек, выпустила собак и охрану. Теперь из зоны обслуживания не выйдет никто!

- Доктор, а тапочки в больницу брать?
- А какого они у вас цвета?

Ничто так не сбивает цены на стройматериалы, как стройка в русских традициях, расположенная рядом...

После распоряжения по фирме об ужесточении контроля за посещением веб-сайтов выяснилось, что наиболее посещаемым сайтом с большим отрывом оказался rabota.ru.

Маститый кинорежиссёр говорит начинающей актрисе:
- Я приглашаю вас сниматься в моей новой картине, и через год обещаю вам Оскара.
- А если это будет девочка?

A woman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees an Indian woman hitchhiking.
Since the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and gives the Indian woman a ride.

After a bit of small talk where the Indian woman was going and so forth, the Indian woman notices a brown bag on the front seat.
"What's in the bag?", the Indian woman asks.
"It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband", says the woman.
The Indian woman is silent for a while
and then she says, "Good trade."

Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." "Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" "No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own f...[censored]..ing business!!"

В Лондонском метро работает музей забытых вещей. Помимо зонтиков и сумочек, там есть велосипед, конское седло, картины. Почетное место в экспозиции занимает гранитная плита с надписью: "Никогда не забудем".

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks - rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar were full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of small pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed.
The professor then picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life.
The rocks are the important things - your family, your health, your children - things that if everything else were lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter such as your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there's no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you'll never have room for the things that are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. There'll always be time to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.
Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then a student took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces and soaked into the said within the jar, making the jar truly full.
Which proves that no matter how full your life is, there's always room for a beer.
Amen.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

Знаете, как на одну путевку отдохнуть всем коллективом?
Сброситься и купить путевку шефу.

It is better to sleep on what you plan to do than to be kept awake by what you've done.

Анекдоты тpавят, а они все pавно живут долго

Иногда мы подводим итоги, иногда - они нас

- Мам, а мам, а можно я сегодня початюсь?
- Ладно, сынок, только недолго. Далеко не ходи, только на местные узлы, с незнакомыми не разговаривай.

Работающих программ партий не бывает, работающими могут быть только их демо-версии, и только до дня выборов.

Мало что ещё вызывает такую грусть, как "Самоучитель по сексу".